Milk. It’s like a latte, only with no coffee.
Wanna really confuse the folks who work at Starbucks? Order something simple.
I discovered this when I was pregnant with Jak-El. I was on a business trip in San Francisco, and wandered into the hotel lobby Starbucks for breakfast.
Me: Hi! Can I have a maple scone and a venti (because you can’t order a large at Starbucks, it has to be a venti) milk?
Starbuckaroo: Milk?
Me: Yeah. Milk. It’s white, comes out of a cow.
Starbuckaroo: You want milk? Plain milk?
Me: Yes, please.
Starbuckaroo: Milk?
Me: Can’t have coffee, y’know? (I point to huge stomach for emphasis.)
Starbuckaroo: Oh, okay. Do you want that steamed?
Me: No, dumbass.
(Okay, I didn’t say “dumbass,” but I really, really wanted to.)
* * * * *
Two days ago, Jak-El and I went into a local Starbucks for a snack after school.
Me: Hi! Can I please have a venti nonfat decaf iced latte, a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate milk?
Starbuckaroo: Chocolate milk?
Me: Yes, please.
Starbuckaroo: From there? (Points to case of bottled drinks.)
Me: There isn’t any there. I figured you could just make one.
Starbuckaroo: We don’t have chocolate milk.
Me: Sure you do. You have milk, you have chocolate syrup, you have cups. You have chocolate milk.
Starbuckaroo: I don’t think we can make that.
Me: You can make a double espresso mint caramel mocha frappa whatever, but you can’t make chocolate milk?
Starbuckaroo: Uh….
Jak-El: Mom, they don’t have chocolate milk? (lip starts quivering, tears form in corner of eyes)
Me: No sweetie. Don’t worry. They have it. I just may have to go behind the counter and make it for them.
Starbuckaroo: (to barista making coffee drinks) Um, do we have chocolate milk?
Barista: Yeah, dumbass. Just charge her for a kid’s milk.
(Okay, he didn’t say “dumbass.” But I could tell he really, really wanted to.)
posted by Lois Lane @ 8:35 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Ahhh. It's been a long time since I heard a good Starbucks rant. Personally, I refuse to use their "Venti, Grande, whatever" crapola ordering system, but whatever.
Seattle is the craziest place for that kind of thing. I was at an intersection. In the middle of the intersection was an Espresso Stand. Do not order coffee there, because they don't have it. They have espresso. You can order it americana, but don't order a freakin coffee.
Now, at this intersection with the espresso stand in the middle, there is a Starbucks on one corner. Diagonally across from that Starbucks...is another Starbucks. It is in one of these Starbucks that I saw the biggest burliest manliest man wearing a construction cap order a venti non-fat caramel macciado.
I have never been the same since...
Well, at least it was manly sized venti...
If you're male, and you cry, they'll give you a small coffee.
Not venti. Not grande. Not tall.
Small.
-- Lamont "Tiny Weeper" Cranston
I passed about a half dozen Starbucks on my way to work this morning...and I was tempted to go in and order milk every single time.
But it seems I just can't cause trouble first thing in the morning...oh well.
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