Would *You* Like To Be On My List?

About nine or 10 years ago, the husband and I were having dinner with my mom at Mee Sum, a Chinese restaurant in Fall River, MA.

It was a Sunday night and we were the only customers in the joint. We’re sitting there enjoying our plates of Fall River-style chicken chow mein (no other type compares), when in stumbles a very scruffy looking midget (little person, dwarf—you decide what’s the politically correct term o’ the moment).

He surveys the empty dining room and decides to, of course, sit in the booth directly across from us. The guy is clearly completely wasted. It’s pretty amazing that he found his way into the restaurant, much less is able to speak coherently enough to order food.

He then turns his attention to our table and says hello. We reply and continue eating. Now, my mom is obviously horrified at the very sight of this little man. The husband and I, well, at the time we were living and working in New York, and riding the subway daily. This didn’t even register on our weird-o-meter.

The guy starts talking about how he’s best friends with Howard Stern and just went to his movie premiere. We don’t believe him, but play along. “Yeah?” I said. “Howard seems like he’d probably be a decent guy to know.”

“Oh, Howard’s great,” the midget says. “He’s on my list.”

“Your list?” I ask.

The guy then pulls a very tattered list out of his pocket. On one side is “People I Like.” Howard was indeed there, as was Billy Barty and a lot of other names I can’t remember. On the other side was “People I Hate.” I don’t remember any names from that side, beyond that he told me many of them were other dwarfs/midgets he knew.

About two months later, I’m falling asleep listening Howard Stern’s E show on television. I suddenly hear a familiar voice that Howard identifies as “Hank, the Angry Drunken Dwarf.” Yep, it was our Chinese dining pal.

I was thinking the other day about Hank, who died a few years ago. You have to admire his focus to keep such a list. If I tried to do so, I could fill the “like” side with people or things that make me happy very easily.

The “hate” side is very tricky. Sure, its easy if you put down people or things that just about every rational person hates, like Hitler, racism or the Yankees. But there are many people who I just consider a pain in the ass and don’t want to deal with. And many things that are annoying, but I can peacefully coexist with. Hate, to me, is a very, very strong word.

After careful consideration, I’ve compiled my own list of Things I Hate:

1. Avocados
2. Celine Dion

I’d put Celine first, but I tend to encounter avocados more in my daily life.

What do you hate?

Happy Thursday.