Anarchy in the Pre-K

So last night was parents night at the boys’ preschool. To prepare, I watched this video of Debbie Harry being interviewed by punk toddlers.

At last year’s parents night, the evening began with all the parents being herded into one of the classrooms, for an introductory presentation by the director of the school. While we waited, sitting crammed into chairs better suited for bums much smaller than ours, Jak-El’s teacher passed around a questionnaire. The first question was something like “What goals do you have for your child in the coming year?”

I stared it blankly. “I dunno. I’d like him to start peeing in the toilet.”

The dad of Jak-El’s pal Bruce* laughed. “I was going to write that down too.”

“And I suppose writing down ‘make child less of a spaz’ would look bad, right?” I said.

“Oh, that’s a great one,” said Bruce’s dad. “I’d be happy if Bruce would sit still for longer than two minutes.”

“Hmmm, goals,” I said. “Flight?”

“Heat vision!” said Bruce’s dad.

“Freeze breath!”

“Invisibility!”

We go on like this, Beavis and Butthead-like, for several minutes, until we both notice that the more responsible parent next to us is taking this task very seriously, writing a mini-novel about what she wants little Wally to accomplish in preschool. Sheepishly, we both write down gibberish about learning letters and numbers and being a productive member of toddler society.

(BTW, I'm happy to report that both Jak-El and Bruce accomplished one of the goals we discussed.)

Last night, I visited Dan-El’s classroom first. This was the low impact visit—with the one and two year olds, all they do is show you a few pictures of the kids, tell you how cute they are and offer you cookies. As a parent, you ask how their speech is progressing, and make sure they’re not biting other tots. Then, you go on your way.

Next, I went up to Jak-El’s room, which is the last stop before kindergarten. So there were more detailed handouts, and explanations of workbooks and fine motor tasks and a whole lot of other stuff which should have been illustrated by 27 eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one.

Then, we were given our art assignment. Each year, they force the parents to do a little project, which the kids get to see the next day.

This year, it was “draw your favorite fairy tale.” Oh, poop. The only ones I can think of are “Cinderella” and “Jack and the Beanstalk,” neither of which I’m fond of. And other parents are drawing them already anyway. “Snow White?” No way – who wants to draw all those dwarves?

I scan the classroom bookshelf and see “Puss in Boots.” Yes! If there’s one thing I can do, its poorly draw a cat!

I whip up a drawing of a cat wearing purple boots and a matching jaunty purple hat. I give him a sword and a blue vest, doodle some clouds and trees in the background, and the thing doesn’t look half bad. I leave feeling a little impressed with myself.

This morning, I take Jak-El to school and his teacher tells him to look at mommy’s drawing on the bulletin board.

Jak-El bursts into tears. “I wanted ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’! I don’t want ‘Puss in Boots’!”

I can’t win. To calm him down, I had to do a watercolor of “Jack” before I could leave the school this morning.

To sum up: Kids are swell! Have one, or two, or 20! And make sure you have plenty of wine in the house.

*Fake names, of course.