Why Australia is Better Than Canada

This isn’t a because I have a koala bias. And I’m not making my judgment based on anything foolish like cuisine or numbers of diseases cured or literature or any of that crap.

No, I’m thinking of an area that has a far greater impact on humankind.

Children’s television.

Australia gave the world the Wiggles. And Canada? Canada, damn them, gave the world (*shudder*) the Doodlebops.

If you’re a parent of a child under the age of four, you’re nodding your head in agreement.

Don’t get me wrong. The Wiggles are certainly not my first choice when I think of what band I’d like to see in concert (even though they may be the only live show I end up seeing this summer, God help me).

But the Wiggles are tolerable and pleasant. For the uninitiated, the Wiggles are four Australian guys who each have their own little gimmick (Greg does magic, Anthony eats a lot, Jeff sleeps all the time and Murray love playing the guitar). They each wear a different brightly colored shirt all the time so kids can easily tell them apart.

The music is, well, its kid’s music. Here’s a typical lyric of one of their originals, “Fruit Salad.”

Fruit salad.
Yummy yummy.
Fruit salad.
Yummy yummy.
Fruit salad.
Yummy yummy.
Yummy, yummy, yummy yummy Fruit Sa-laaad!

(BTW, the chef singing on “Fruit Salad” is Paul Hester from Crowded House. He committed suicide last year. It is unknown if his death was Wiggles or fruit related.)

What it really comes down to is this: if you’re a parent and you have to sit through an episode or live concert of the Wiggles, you won’t feel like you have to dig your eyes and ears out with a fork.

The Doodlebops are another story. I hate these Canadian freaks. I think they’re clowns, possibly from a hell dimension. They scare me, much in the way Pufnstuf used to scare me. I could never figure out what the heck that doofus was supposed to be either.

The Doodlebops are creepy looking and their music makes the Wiggles seem like the Stones in comparison.

There’s probably only one person who hates the Doodlebops more than us poor parents who have to listen to them. That would be the woman who plays DeeDee Doodle. Her voice sounds like she was classically trained and has aspirations for Broadway.

I bet she reaches for that fork every damn day.

I’ll go see the Wiggles again. I’ll go see “Sesame Street Live.” Hell, I’ll go see “Barney & Bill O’Reilly on Ice.” But the Doodlebops? Sorry kiddos. Mommy is sitting this one out. Talk to Daddy after he’s had a few hits of scotch and maybe he’ll take you.

Happy Mother’s Day.