The Answer Lady

Mom! I have to pee!

Go to the bathroom.

Mom! I'm itchy!

So scratch.

Mom! Why is the sky blue?

Ask your father.

* * * * * *

Any questions? I live to serve.

Best. Home. Page. Headline. Ever.

From the Comcast home page this afternoon:

Romans Unite Against Barbra Streisand

Robert Smith could not be reached for comment.

Adventures in Daycare

Husband: You know all the teachers at Jak-El's school, right?

Lois: Yeah. Why?

Husband: Well, I know Barbara (not her real name) is always there. But who's the woman with the dark hair?

Lois: Straight or curly?

Husband: Straight.

Lois: Oh, that's Dinah (not her real name).

Husband: And who's blonde woman?

Lois: Blonde woman? A little heavy?

Husband: Um, no, not really.

Lois: Dirty blonde or bright blonde?

Husband: I'm not sure...she, um....well, I only noticed her because she was bending over to play with the kids and it was really obvious that she was wearing a g-string.

Lois: Oh! Her!

Husband: (laughing) You know who I'm talking about?

Lois: Yeah. But she's not a teacher. She's Sally's (not her real name) nanny.

Husband: That explains it. I didn't think what she was wearing was really appropriate dress for one of the teachers.

Lois: No. Not really. She was giving everyone an eyefull today.

Husband. Yeah...so, where do they get those nannies?

My Exciting Life

I'll be commuting into "The Big City" for the next few days to attend a conference.

It will be very exciting. I'll cover a few sessions that will be mildly interesting, and several others during which I'll be mulling over what new career I should take up next, so I never have to cover another conference session ever again.

My top choices at the moment are Canadian pop star and costumed vigilante. Any other suggestions?

Milk. It’s like a latte, only with no coffee.

Wanna really confuse the folks who work at Starbucks? Order something simple.

I discovered this when I was pregnant with Jak-El. I was on a business trip in San Francisco, and wandered into the hotel lobby Starbucks for breakfast.

Me: Hi! Can I have a maple scone and a venti (because you can’t order a large at Starbucks, it has to be a venti) milk?

Starbuckaroo: Milk?

Me: Yeah. Milk. It’s white, comes out of a cow.

Starbuckaroo: You want milk? Plain milk?

Me: Yes, please.

Starbuckaroo: Milk?

Me: Can’t have coffee, y’know? (I point to huge stomach for emphasis.)

Starbuckaroo: Oh, okay. Do you want that steamed?

Me: No, dumbass.

(Okay, I didn’t say “dumbass,” but I really, really wanted to.)

* * * * *

Two days ago, Jak-El and I went into a local Starbucks for a snack after school.

Me: Hi! Can I please have a venti nonfat decaf iced latte, a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate milk?

Starbuckaroo: Chocolate milk?

Me: Yes, please.

Starbuckaroo: From there? (Points to case of bottled drinks.)

Me: There isn’t any there. I figured you could just make one.

Starbuckaroo: We don’t have chocolate milk.

Me: Sure you do. You have milk, you have chocolate syrup, you have cups. You have chocolate milk.

Starbuckaroo: I don’t think we can make that.

Me: You can make a double espresso mint caramel mocha frappa whatever, but you can’t make chocolate milk?

Starbuckaroo: Uh….

Jak-El: Mom, they don’t have chocolate milk? (lip starts quivering, tears form in corner of eyes)

Me: No sweetie. Don’t worry. They have it. I just may have to go behind the counter and make it for them.

Starbuckaroo: (to barista making coffee drinks) Um, do we have chocolate milk?

Barista: Yeah, dumbass. Just charge her for a kid’s milk.

(Okay, he didn’t say “dumbass.” But I could tell he really, really wanted to.)

Big hug!

Bruce Campbell. Duran Duran. What else could you possibly need?

I Have the Best Kids Ever.

For Mother's Day, Jak-El painted an awesome tote bag for me at preschool.

Here's the front.


And here's the back.


Note the drawing of me in the middle--the likeness is uncanny!


Since Dan-El is still a little too young for arts and crafts, he came up with his own special gift. Yesterday, he said "Mama" for the first time.

My kids rock.

Big Top Fun

A few weeks ago, Jak-El and I went to the circus.


This guy was not there.


We sat in the front row. Here's a blurry dog act photo.


Before the show, Jak-El reassured me repeatedly that the clowns were not scary. I'm still not convinced...

Red Wigglers!

Remember, they're the Cadillac of worms!

How I Spent Free Comic Book Day 2007

1. Got up at ungodly (or undogly, as I keep typing) hour.

2. Let children run amok while trying to wake up.

3. Make cinnamon rolls with children, as Jak-El wanted to know what
"cinnamon" was (it was mentioned in one of his books).

4. Go to playground and let children burn off sugar from cinnamon rolls.

5. Put Dan-El down for nap, watch "Legion of Superheroes," "The Batman" and "Teen Titans" with Jak-El while doing housework.

6. Have lunch at Burger King, get "Spider-Man 3" kids meal toys for children.

7. Go to IANO's World O' Funny Books, get free comics.

8. Go to Toys R' Us and buy a birthday gift for one of Jak-El's classmates. (We settled on the one Barbie that didn’t look like a complete ho. This was Elmo Barbie, who was wearing an Elmo t-shirt and holding a mini Tickle Me Elmo doll.)

9. Take kids to Ben & Jerry's for ice cream.

10. Go home. Let children run amok for a while.

11. Escape from children for 15 minutes to go pick up take-out sushi for dinner.

12. Eat sushi and drink wine.

13. Drink more wine.

14. Put 80's videos on TV and let children dance like maniacs. Dance like maniac with children.

15. Decide that half-naked children screaming and bouncing up and down to "Whip It" is one of the funniest things ever, particularly when Jak-El jumps on couch and randomly yells "LET'S PARTY!!!!!!"

16. Bathe children.

17. Read some free comics to Jak-El while husband reads some board books to Dan-El.

18. Put children to bed.

19. Curl up on couch with more free comics, tea and chocolate.

20. Pass out.

The Husband's Secret is Out

Lois: Oh....who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Dan-El: Da da!

You Know You Wanna See 'Em...

Random Chicago Pics!


Bike! Bus!

Buildings!

Bull!

Look, up in the sky...

Trump!