Fashion Alert!

Style sighting of 2007:

Middle aged blonde woman on Beacon Street in Newton Centre Monday at 5:02 p.m. wearing...wait for it...camouflage capri pants!

Sadly, she was wearing flip flops, not Crocs.

Sorry there's no photo -- was in too much of a rush to get her to stop and pose.

Another Evening of Intellectual Discourse at Casa de Lois

Jak-El: Mom, Mom! You were right! I just saw a commercial. They do have Simpsons toys at Burger King!

Lois: Told ya' so. Pay up kid—you owe me a million, trillion dollars.

Jak-El: Nooooooooooo. Mom, I want to get the guy that says "Ow!"

Lois: The guy that says "Ow?"

Jak-El: The fat guy in the white shirt that says "Ow!"

Lois: Oh, that's Homer. He doesn't say "Ow." He says D'oh!

Jak-El: Due?

Lois: No. D'oh!

Jak-El: Duh?

Lois: D'oh!

Jak-El: Doy?

Lois: D'oh!

Jak-El: D'oh!

Lois: Yes! D'oh!

Dan-El: Bah!

Lois: D'oh!

Jak-El: D'oh!

Dan-El: Yeah!

Lois and Jak-El: D'oh!

Husband: What's going on?

Lois: They have Simpsons toys at Burger King. I'm teaching the kids how to say D'oh!

Dan-El: Gah!

Husband: Close.

Jak-El: Can we go to Burger King for dinner?

Lois: Not tonight. We'll go this weekend.

Jak-El: Awwww….

Lois: No. How many times do I have to tell you? D'oh!

Jak-El: (laughs) D'oh!....Now can we go?

Lois: No.

Jak-El: D'oh!

*************************************************

On Saturday, we did indeed go to Burger King, and Jak-El got Homer (the limited edition gold Homer, no less). And turns out we were both wrong. It doesn't say "Ow" nor "D'oh!" It says "Yee-Haw!" Dan-El got Apu ("Please! I am gouging as fast as I can!").

The Vacation Diaries, Part 4 -- Finale

Day 7: "Oh no…not again!"

We pack up and get ready for the drive back through Yellowstone, to fly home from Jackson Hole. We stop by the cousin's house to say goodbye, to find almost everyone with the exception of the Scottish clan asleep. Apparently, the night before was the latest in several rounds of heavy drinking, culminating with adults splashing around in the wading pool and (according to second hand gossip from my mom) a minor round of fisticuffs between a cousin and another cousin's boyfriend.

"Aye," said my Scottish cousin G. "Someone should just dump out that keg, so we don't have to finish it." Ah, family.

Cody is our destination for lunch, since Jak-El decides he needs a cowboy hat just like the one his brother got the day before. I buy one for myself for good measure.

Then, we're on the road again. The drive today goes by much quicker than the first trip, thanks to no construction or traffic accidents. We see Lake Yellowstone, and stop at a waterfall for a quick hike and some pictures.

We continue on through the Grand Teton National Park. Dan-El start screaming desperately for some milk, and finally – after he has a major meltdown – we stop at the first rest area. We score not only milk, but perhaps the best National Park snack ever, a Rice Krispies treat in the shape of a mountain.

The rest of the drive goes by quickly, although everyone is getting a bit bored of the beautiful scenery. Oh, a mountain. Look, a mountain. Hey wait…is it? Yep, another mountain!



We finally pull into the parking lot Wagon Wheel Motel in Jackson Hole. Suddenly we hear Dan-El making a sound no parent wants to hear. The combination of the 98-degree heat, the screaming for milk, the milk itself, the Rice Krispies treat and some mustard-flavored pretzels is not sitting well. "Urgh, urgh…."

And there it is. A spectacular amount of vomit spews out of the child. It's official: Something about Jackson Hole, WY makes my kids puke.

I rush to check in so we can get to our room, then we unload the SUV and clean the child and the car.

It's a quieter night than we expected. Rather than roaming about the town one last time, we decide it might be safer to get some take out from the diner next to the Motel, do laundry and watch TV. We manage to time things right so we get to see the season premiere of "Doctor Who." All is good.

Day 7: "Gee, Isn't Their Slogan Something About Friendly Skies? Bull."

We pack up again and decide to get breakfast in the diner, which is the usual chaos of Dan-El running around the restaurant like a maniac. Then, we rush to the airport, where we rush around like maniacs.

We know we should have arrived earlier, but still, the lines at the airport are insane. No curbside check-in, and the self serve kiosks are a waste of time. We're resigned to the fact that we're going to miss our flight, until someone yells out our flight number and asks if there's anyone still not checked in for that flight.

Scrambling to the front of the line, we're checked in and given three seats together, with a fourth in the next row. No problem, this is only a one hour flight to Denver. We rush through security, and move with a level of panic typically seen only on contestants of "The Amazing Race." Quick, take your shoes off! Walk through there! Put your shoes back on! Wha—where the hell did your other shoe go?

After being reprimanded by a flight attendant because we hadn't pre-checked our stroller (when the bleep were we supposed to do that???), we get on the plane and slump into our seats. I take a look at our boarding passes for the next flight from Denver to Boston and notice that they've given us four seats that are separated all over the plane. We don't even have two in the same row.

The husband and I fantasize about letting our kids sit with strangers for four hours, so we can sleep ("No, really, they're very, very well behaved. The taser is just a precaution…"), but then think better of it.

As soon as there's a flight attendant manning our departure gate in Denver, I rush over and explain the situation to him, and why we need our seats to be two and two, as we had originally booked months earlier. "Okay, we'll put you on the list with the rest of the people who need seat reassignments and call you," he says.

We take turns watching the bags and chasing the kids up and down the moving walkways to let them burn off some steam. Still, no call. We get the kids an early dinner from McDonald's. Still, no call.

I go back to the gate. "We're working on it," he says, giving me a "how dare you bother me look.

The plane starts boarding and we wait. I ask again. "I'm working on it," he hisses at me.

When then make the final boarding call and there's hardly anyone left near the gate, we troupe up to Mr. Prissy en masse. "What about our seats?" I ask.

"Oh, yeah," he says with a shrug. It's clear that this point that he has done nothing to get our seats reassigned. "You have to get on the plane and ask the flight attendant to help you do that."

Swell. We drop the stroller near the cabin door and explain our plight to the flight attendant, who graciously helps us find four seats that are two and two together, and in rows that are back to back, which is pretty much what we had initially booked in the first place. Some passengers are gracious about helping us, others shoot us dirty looks, but what can you do.

We settle in, and the kids sleep through most of the flight.

Our reserved taxi is waiting for us at the airport, and we get home around 2 a.m.

We learn a couple of days later that we were lucky to make it. My 82 year old mom and 80 year old uncle were supposed to fly home two days later, but United cancelled their flights completely, and didn't reschedule them until the next day. And the bastards refused to pay for any of the additional hotel, rental car or food expenses they incurred for the extra travel day.

The moral of this story? Family is swell, and every bad thing you've ever heard about United Airlines? True, true, true.

Happy weekend, everyone.

Run For Your Lives!!!!

I can't wait until the elections are over. It's terrifying, having these giant heads floating over the city, demanding money.

The Vacation Diaries, Part 3

Day Four: “Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday”

The night in the big freaky hotel room was not our best ever. How anyone could think this is a suitable place for a family with small children to stay is beyond me. The room is too large to feel cozy, and no one gets a good night’s sleep.

We wake up and notice that during the night Jak-El had a rather spectacular nosebleed all over his pillow. And, there’s a spot of dried blood on Dan-El’s pillow as well, and in his ear. His ear??? Oh, joy.

At 6 a.m., Wyoming time, I call our pediatrician, hoping to speak to the on-call doctor for advice. Nope, they have no one available, so I’m instructed to call back when the office opens in a half hour (8:30 a.m. EST). ::grumble, grumble::

I call back and talk to a nurse, who tells me this sort of thing is common when little kids drive through the mountains. Dan-El will need ear drops to take care of his punctured ear drum, so I’m to call them back with the phone number of a local pharmacy and they’ll phone in the prescription.

We pack up and switch to a standard room with two double beds. It looks like your average, run of the mill motel room, and this is extremely comforting. Even Jak-El comments that this is much, much nicer.

I call my mom on her cell and ask for directions to my cousin’s house, which none of the numerous adults there can provide. We decide to rough it with the vague map I printed off Mapquest, call in the doctor after getting the local pharmacy number and head off to my cousin’s place.

We drive down a dirt road and I can immediately tell which is his place. It’s the house with (a) the van bearing the logo of the baseball team he coaches, the Powell Pioneers, and (b) the one with the huge motor home in the driveway, that the cousins from Oregon made the trip in.

Hugs all around. I see several first cousins I haven’t seen in years, and numerous second cousins, including one from Scotland I haven’t seen in 33 years, since he was a wee lad of age 1. He made the trip with his wife and their four kids, who are the cutest thing ever. Let me tell you, nothing ramps up the cute factor of a cute kid more than when they talk with a Scottish accent.

We hang out for a bit and get reacquainted. I call the doctor to confirm that they got the message I left on their answering machine. Apparently, no one checks the machine, so I gave them the pharmacy info again and they assure me they’ll call in the ear drops pronto.

The decision is made to eat lunch in a local diner. Oh whoopee…lunch out with the kids in public. I sense this will not go well, and I’m right. The other seven or so little kids in tow are well behaved, as is Jak-El. Dan-El, meanwhile, just wants to run around like a goon, climbing on things and being a menace.

The husband decided to take him back to the motel for a nap. Jak-El and I stay for lunch, and my uncle and my mom (both visiting from Rhode Island) take us back to the motel.

Since Dan-El is napping peacefully, Jak-El and I run down to the drug store to get the prescription, which was never called in. Arrragh!!!! I call the doctor’s office, which of course closed early, because tomorrow is July 4.

I call the after-hours service and am told I’ll get a call back in about 20 minutes. Jak-El and I head over to McDonald’s, since they have a playground he can kill time in. And, since he didn’t bother to eat earlier, he can have something now.

I spend the next 90 minutes back and forth on the phone, trying to reach the doctor so we can get the medicine before the pharmacy closes for the holiday. Finally, we get the drops and head back to the hotel.

I call my cousin’s house and find out everyone has gone to see his team play a doubleheader. (They won the first game, lost the second by one run.) During the five minute drive to the ball field, Jak-El falls asleep and upon arrival, refuses to get out of the car.

The husband drives Jak-El and I back to the motel, and he and Dan-El go back to watch the game. We settle down and watch some TV (a “Gilmore Girls” rerun for me, a “Batman” cartoon DVD for him). It’s quiet, and I’m eating Cheetos. Life is good.

Day Five: “$1300? Really???”

It’s July 4, and we spend the entire day at the cousin’s house. The kids have lots of fun in the wading pools, and shooting everyone with squirt guns.

As the day wears on, the drinking begins, of course. I notice the most white trash Norman Rockwell moment ever, when all the little kids are gathered around the keg, eating ice chips. It’s a little wrong, but cute.



Interestingly, the more we drink, the more the Americans are starting to talk with Scottish accents. “Ah, do you have a torch? I want ta’ take the wee one out in the pram.”

Around 10 pm, my cousins set off about $1,300 worth of fireworks (you get a 10% discount if you spend over $1,000, so they had to, right? ). It’s a great display, and a neat way to end what is the best day of the trip. Jak-El falls asleep midway through the show, while Dan-El looked up at the sky excitedly as each blast started, and then ran to the nearest parent and buried his head in their chest when the big boom went off. Of course, he’d then turn his head to peek and see what happened.

Day Six: “What’s that Smell?”


We sleep in and then make the drive into Cody, the nearest “big” town, to play tourists. The only problem is a lot of the touristy stuff is a little too much for young kids. We know, for example, that they would care less about the Buffalo Bill museum. Frankly, we’re not sure if we care about the Buffalo Bill museum.

Instead, we opt to walk around downtown Cody, and buy some souvenirs. The whole thing is very low key—it’s too hot to do much running around.

Later, we stop back at my cousin’s place and hang out for a bit, deciding to go back to the motel when everyone heads off for another baseball game. We have Chinese food for dinner, and Dan-El spills a container of it on the floor. I don’t think the smell of soy sauce will ever leave that room.

Next: On the road again…

My Son, the Music Critic

"That song hates my ears!!!" ("Melt With You," Modern English)

"It's creepy, but I like it." ("Champagne Supernova," Oasis)

*****

I expect Rolling Stone to call with a job offer any day now.

Intermission

Spent the weekend reading the final "Harry Potter" book, and am now catching up on work, so the Vacation Diaries will return tomorrow. Meanwhile, a bit of non-spoilery Potter fun...

The Vacation Diaries, Part 2

Day Two: “It’s Vacation. Where’s the Fudge?”

After showers, Jak-El and I go down to the lobby to scavenge the free buffet and get breakfast to take back to the room for everyone. Then, we’re off to what is big excitement for the kids: A playground. Nothing special about it, just a playground, which is the perfect start for the day.

Then we roam around Jackson Hole, trying to figure out where would be a good place to take the kids for lunch. We need basic food, with not a long wait, since Dan-El does not like to sit still for more than, oh, 3 seconds. We settle on Billy’s Burgers, which got high marks from the Frommers guide.

Dan-El jumps around and screams like a maniac the entire time we’re there. Husband and I want to crawl under the table and hide, while Jak-El wonders why he isn’t allowed to behave like an infant as well. It’s not fair, really. The burgers were good, but we’re relieved when it’s over.

We wander into the town square, and do the touristy thing of having our picture taken under one of the antler trellises. So nice of all these elk to give up their horns for art, isn’t it?


Then, we go look about the shops. To meet our quota of silly vacation photos taken with odd statues and objects, Dan-El was photographed with a bison, while Jak-El avails himself of a big wooden bear chair.


We stop in a candy store pick up some fudge (one of our vacation traditions), and head back to the room for naps (Dan-El and I) and TV (Husband and Jak-El).

The rest of the day is pretty low key. We splash around in the pool, and then pick up take-out from a nearby Italian place. Jak-El falls asleep before I can even make his dinner of choice, a bagel with peanut butter.

Day Three: “We’re Driving. We’re Driving. Crap. We’re Still Driving, Aren’t We?”

After a quick dip in the pool, we pack up and hit the road. Jak-El is again mesmerized by the portable DVD player (who needs mountains when you’ve got Batman cartoons?), while Dan-El is asleep before we even pull out of the hotel parking lot.

The drive through the Tetons is beautiful, and we see our first wildlife of the journey, some bison by the side of the road. We’re moving right along, as Fozzie and Kermit sang, until…we’re not. A bad motorcycle accident has closed the road, and we’re detoured into a rest area, which thankfully has food. A quick lunch won’t hurt.

A quick lunch turns into two hours of waiting. Finally, the road opens and we’re on our way to Powell, WY, where my family lives.

The drive is beautiful. We drive through the Tetons into Yellowstone and see more bison (or are they buffalo?), waterfalls and a deer. The kids sleep off and on, and we’re making good time until…we’re not. Traffic is stopped because of construction in a quarry they’re blasting because…who knows why? This is insane….road work, in YELLOWSTONE? This is a park? Did bears approve this or something?

















Speaking of bears….should you ever venture into Yellowstone, do not use bear pepper spray as bear repellant. It won’t work. You’ve been warned. Also, don't taunt the buffalo.

We take a detour to see Old Faithful, since we're in the neighborhood. It's….well, it's a geyser. You wait around, water comes up, and then it stops. Worth seeing so you can say you've seen it, but not all that spectacular. The children were more interested in poking at the ground with sticks.


We finally get through Yellowstone, and then Buffalo Bill State Park and then eventually into Powell, WY around 8 pm. The kids are both cranky and tired, Jak-El has a nose bleed and Dan-El is out of sorts. We check into our room at the motel, which told us we had reserved a room with a sitting room and two separate bedrooms. Perfect….except what is really is is an insanely huge one room suite with two double beds, a bar, and two bathrooms, one with a urinal. Yuck. The place is more appropriate for a stag party than a family vacation. We complain and are told we can switch to a regular room in the morning.

It's a good thing, as Dan-El quickly learns how to climb up on to bar, which we were using to store diapers, sippy cups and the like. Yeah, we're party people

Next…meet the family, drinking and things go boom!

The Vacation Diaries, Part 1

And now, because no one asked for it…a thrilling recap of our summer family vacation to Wyoming to visit family and see a bit of the Wild West. Yee-hah!

Two Days Before….

Dan-El starts having some out-of-character meltdowns and my Mom-dar goes off. (It’s like Gay-dar, only not as well dressed.)

I take him to the pediatrician and sure enough, he has a minor ear infection in his right ear. Ugh. My nervousness about flying with two children for the first time goes up about 11 notches. Still, on the bright side, the nurse practioner whole heartedly endorses the idea of drugging the little darling up with Benadryl before the flight to keep him calm. Yeah pharmaceuticals!



Day One: “Let’s Take This Show on the Road”

Somehow, we manage to get everyone bathed, clothed and out the door with all our luggage in tow to get into the taxi to go to the airport at 8 a.m. Jak-El is very impressed with his first taxi ride.

The flights from Boston to Denver, and then Denver to Jackson Hole overall are pretty uneventful. The husband manages to amuse Dan-El for most of the trip, and Jak-El is mesmerized by the new portable DVD player we acquired for the trip.

Upon arriving in Jackson Hole, we pick up our luggage and the rental car, and set out for the hotel, which is thankfully only about 10 minutes away. The scenery is breathtaking on the short drive.

We check into the Homewood Suites and decide that there is no way in hell we can cope with wrangling the kids in a restaurant. The nice woman at the front desk provides us with some takeout menus and we order from the local “Bennigan’s” style place. (motto: We do everything—but none of it very well!)

Jak-El takes one bite of his pizza and makes a squeamish face. “Mom, this pizza tastes sour,” he says. He hands me the pizza and then proceeds to vomit all over himself and the carpet. We clean everything up and five minutes later he declares himself all better and ready for an M&M ice cream sandwich. Um…no.



We spend the rest of the night trying to get adjusted to mountain time, which is weird. It stays light out until around 10 p.m., and worse, there’s no clear pattern to how the time difference is reflected in the television schedules. In central time, everything is one hour behind eastern time. Fine. On the west coast, all the TV shows are on at the “same” time as at home, because they have a different satellite feed. But in the mountain time zone? Some channels are an hour behind. Some are an hour ahead. Some are two hours off. Arrrragh! This will annoy us for the whole trip.

We draw the shades and everyone is asleep by 9:15 p.m. It is also the only night of the entire I don’t have to share a bed with at least one of the children. And the view from our room isn't bad, either.



Next: Antler art and fudge—what more do you need?

Zzzzzzzzzzzz......

One of the great "joys" of motherhood is the lack of sleep.

(last night)

8:45 pm: Dan-El falls asleep on couch. We don't bother moving him upstairs, since he hasn't been sleeping well in his bed lately.

10:30 pm: Dan-El wakes up screaming. I change him into his nighttime diaper and PJs, and give him some milk. He falls asleep on top of me, and since I always favor the path of least resistance, I fall asleep too.

11:25 pm: Dan-El wakes up screaming again. I calm him down and watch Letterman, falling asleep during an Adam Sandler interview.

12:15 am: Dan-El wakes up startled, but gets back to sleep quickly. I don't.

1:30 am: I'm still awake. Start watching stuff on the DVR.

2 am: Need to be productive. Get laptop and finishing editing an e-newsletter that mails today.

3:15 am: Make commitment to be completely brain dead and turn on "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America," which I recorded because…actually, I'm not quite sure why I recorded this.

3:22 am: Consider whether it would be possible for husband to become international soccer star.

3:24 am: Decide it would be easier for me to become one of the Spice Girls, since lack of musical talent isn't an obstacle. Maybe I could be Surly Spice.

3:33 am: Think of many better things I could be doing, like learning to play the banjo, making fudge or dialing 10 digit numbers. Or 11 digit numbers.

3:38: Rearrange couch cushions and try to get comfortable.

3:40 am: Wonder what I'd look like with a blonde bob haircut.

3:42 am: List off people who could be in a "League of Bobs" superhero team. Bob Newhart, Bob Dylan, SpongeBob Squarepants, the bisexual red leather pants wearing Bob who dated my friend T. in college, Bob Dole, Bobcat Goldthwaite, Bobby Vinton, Bob Marley, Bob Denver, Bob from the Bob's Furniture Store commercials…

3: 50 am: Look for the sheet I had been using. Realize Dan-El is asleep on top of it and go looking for blanket instead.

4:10 am: Flip around channels on TV. Oooh, G4 has ComicCon preview coverage. I wish I was going to ComicCon. Oh, boring. This is just footage from last year.

4:30 am: Finally fall asleep.

6:15 am: Dan-El wakes up. And the day begins…

Best. Web. Site. Ever.

Burger King has a new Web site where you can upload a picture of yourself and have it "Simpsonized." Go there
 now. You know you want to.

Today'sh Postht

I wash going to shtart postshting the vacation diariesh today, but thish morning I went to the dentisht. My mouth, brain and half my nosesh are shtill numb. So instead, pleashe enjoy thish video of a monkey taunting baby tigers.

Reasons Why Lois Might Have An Overly Sensitive Reaction to Another Blog

1. I'm an only child.

2. It's warm, and the AC isn't on.

3. It's Thursday.

4. Bush is still in the White House.

5. I have PMS.

6. And ADD.

7. And possibly VH-1.

8. I haven't had lunch yet.

9. The sun was in my eyes.

10. We're out of pancake mix.

11. Gilmore Girls got cancelled.

12. I haven't had enough sleep.

13. My mom doesn't love me.

14. Number 13 is a lie.

15. Someone keeps stealing my chair.

16. No one woke me up before they go-goed.

17. You can't always get what you want.

18. Wonton soup would be nice right now.

19. Are you really still reading this list? Wow.

20. I'm a chick. It's what we do.

Lois Vamps to Fill Time Until She Gets Around to Writing the Vacation Travelogue

Which Annoying B-list Celebrity Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey.

Something One of My Kids Will Probably Say About Me Someday...

From a cute comic called Dog Eat Doug


I'm back!

Travelogue to come.

Hey, did the carpet always look like that...?