Tinseltown Goes Coon Crazy

(Hollywood) In a surprising move this morning, the heads of all the major movie studios and television networks announced that starting immediately, all of their productions would be written by—and star—raccoons.

“Yeah, it does sound weird,” admitted one exec, who asked to remain anonymous. “But when we showed a focus group an episode of “Boston Legal” starring Denny Coon, the numbers went through the roof.”

“Besides,” he added, “most people don’t know this, but twice a month the cast of ‘ER’ insists on being paid in fish. And Jimmy Kimmel is always tipping over the garbage cans outside the ABC commissary. So it’s really not all that much of a departure for us.”

The bold move has already spurred the BBC to ready a raccoon-themed spin-off of their classic sci-fi series “Doctor Who.”

“We’re just jolly keen on this idea,” said Sir Nigel Fluffernutter, head of mammal programming development at the Beeb. “Raccoons are an excellent fit into the Time Lord mythology. The little nippers will just think the Daleks are angry garbage bins and attack the tossers mightily, pip pob and away with your bumbershoot.”

Back in the states, several television series have been rushed into production, including:

“How I Met Your Raccoon”

“Bionic Raccoon”

“My Name is Coon”

“Desperate Raccoons”

“RSI: Raccoon Scene Investigation”

“Two and a Half Raccoons”

“Curb Your Coons”

“Scott Baio is 45….And a Raccoon”

“Raccoon the Buffy Slayer”

“Dirty Sexy Raccoons”

“Dancing With the Raccoons”

“Raccoon’s Anatomy”

“Late Night With Coonan O’Brien”

Still despite the strong reaction to “Denny Coon,” some are skeptical that the public will take to all raccoons, all the time on their television and movie screens.

“I don’t like it. Nope. Not one bit,” said Secret Squirrel, age 42, who identified himself as an out of work performance artist. “Damn dirty raccoons, taking all our work. Bastards.”

Today’s blog was made possible by the proud sponsor of Raccoon Week, Stuck With a Comb
. Remember, you’re not really stuck until you’re stuck with a comb.