Wanted: Pumpkin Vandals
I went out to pick up my mail at 2:30 yesterday afternoon and our spider pumpkin was fine. But when I returned home from picking the kids up at school at 5:15 that evening, it looked like this.
I've narrowed down a list of suspects.
1. George Steinbrenner: Retaliation for my picture of the Red Sox pumpkin.
2. Doctor Octopus: Known hatred for all things spider-related.
3. Squirrels: Maybe the little bastards were hungry.
4. Avocados: I hate avocados. Perhaps the feeling is mutual.
5. The Daleks: Damn dirty Daleks. Yesterday's Tennant video made them angry.
6. The CIA: I knew I should have hidden that microchip someplace else.
7. Martha Stewart: Jealous of my mad pumpkin carving skills.
8. Bill O'Reilly: In a rage over my clear pro-Halloween agenda.
We're offering a reward for the capture of this felon, a clear danger to the jack o' lantern community--all the fun size Three Musketeers, moldy raisins and licorice you can eat.
posted by Lois Lane @ 7:38 AM
16 comments
16 Comments:
Why are you so sure the pumpkin spider didn't merely scuttle away on its own?
Why does everything have to be a conspiracy with you?
What's that buzzing?
-- Lamont "Lone Gunman" Cranston
Lamont: If the spider scuttled, it was in pain when it did. Spider parts were found on the other side of the porch. We've sent them off to the lab for analysis.
Buzzzzz.
Hoagy did it.
Oh, that Hoagy!
Oh Sparkle! So true, so true!
::runs off to get comfy chair ready to inflict punishment::
No, no, use...THE RACK!
In the meantime, let me get all stuffing down into the corner of this pillow...
I think folks who wreck pumpkins, even after Halloween, are jerks. I hate jerks.
::waves fist in the general direction of all the jerks in the world::
Cake: Oh, me too. I don't care for myself, but Jak-El was kinda upset about it. The good mother that I am, I distracted him by suggesting he go inside and eat something from his trick-or-treat bag.
At any rate, I do tend to think a squirrel or something got to it, as most of the carnage had been taken away.
::waves fist at the jerk squirrels of the world::
Or it was the return of the dreaded King of the Douchebag Birds. ::dramatic music::
Dear Lois,
The vicious marauders WERE squirrels. I caught one molesting a festive yellow and green striped squash this weekend.
It does not look festive anymore.
It looks gutted.
Damnable squirrels.
Pip pip,
Sparkle
Yes, the little bastards. We figured that out conclusively the next night when we found several obvious bitemarks out of the poor spider-kin.
And one of the little SOB built a nest in our crawl space, to boot. We spent an hour during Saturday's noreaster patching up the hole where he got in and cleaning out all the leaves and twigs he had brought in.
Squirrels, you're ON NOTICE!
Come on, write about the bloody (effin') oil change already...
SHHHHHH! Be vewy quiet! Am hiding in the bushes, hunting waskally squirrels....
LOOK OUT SQUIRREL! SHE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Whoops.
Did I just do that? Sorry!
The squirrels in my neighborhood are the size of cats. CATS.
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