Gone Fishin'

Off for a week of sun and fun with the husband and rugrats.

No wild parties while I'm gone, okay?

Coffee Talk

I'm on deadline for a newsletter and trying to get a bunch o' stuff done before leaving on vacation, so not a lot of time to blog. Talk amongst yourselves if you like.

Here's a few topics to get you started:

1. What the hell is wrong with the Republicans?

2. What the hell is wrong with the Democrats?

3. What the hell is wrong with Lois?

An Observation

You know your family is kinda white-trashy when you're drinking white zinfandel with ice cubes in it out of a paper cup while your toddler child runs around naked with his cousins, most of whom were born out of wedlock.

And how was your weekend?

Geek Alert

If you're like me, you wish you were at the Geek Prom this week, a.k.a. Comic-Con in San Diego.

The cable channel G4 is running a 2 block of coverage from the con tonight (Friday) at 8 p.m. They'll be rerunning it several times over the weekend as well.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

He Can Kick Aquaman's Ass!

This is my uncle. In his spare time, he fights crime as the Amazing Scotsman. He's keeping the world safe for shortbread and bagpipe music. Once, he made the Loch Ness Monster cry like a little baby. He's a real cool guy.

Summer Fun

As I was driving Jak-El home from daycare yesterday afternoon I saw one of my neighbors out raking his sidewalk. Why, I don't know. Crazy from the heat maybe.

At any rate, the elderly gentleman had taken off his shirt, to display his bitchin' tank top arms-and-neck-only tan and pearly white saggy old man boobage.

It was, to say the least, a sight.

Jak-El: Mommy! Look! A scary lady!

Lois: No sweetie, that's a man.

Jak-El: No, it's a lady! A SCARY lady!

Lois: Dude looks like a lady, huh kid?

Jak-El: Yeah! A SCARY lady!

Later that night, while Jak-El distracted the guy with a box of Mallomars® I wrote "I ♥ Lawrence Welk" and "Seniors do it for half-price on Tuesdays" on the old coot's back with a Sharpie®.

Good times, good times.

Mahna Mahna!

In Germany, It's a Holiday

Happy Birthday David Hasselhoff!

Show some love here for America's greatest living entertainer.

Woo-Hoo!

What a weekend! Uh...dude, where's my stroller...?

Shhhhhhhhhh.....

I'm not really here until Monday.

Cover for me. Thanks.

At Least There Was Cake…

The husband and I recently celebrated our anniversary. There was Carvel ice cream cake and Burger King food involved. I know, the romance never ends.

Anyway, this seems like a good time to dispel the myth that brides get to control everything about their wedding. At least in my case, this was baloney. I had tons of good ideas that were vetoed by various people involved with the event, such as:

1. Skipping the whole shebang and eloping to Las Vegas. Instead of spending $20,000, we could have made $20,000. Okay, not likely, since gambling bores me. The husband still won't admit I was right on this.

2. Getting married by an Elvis impersonator. This could have been accomplished without the trip to Sin City, as our minister actually offered (and since he's a part-time actor, probably would have actually done it too). Mom didn't care for this idea.

3. Water guns as favors. The husband thought this might cause chaos. I think it would have been refreshing.

4. Having the "King of the Hill" theme as our first dance song. Instead of dancing, the entire wedding party would have just stood in the middle of the dance floor drinking beer. The husband actually liked this idea, since he's not fond of public dancing. But the DJ didn't have a copy of the song and we couldn't find it anywhere.

5. Getting married outside. Okay, God vetoed this, so who am I to argue? It rained for three hours straight the afternoon before our 6:30 p.m. wedding, so the ceremony was moved inside, which actually turned out quite nice. And, it stopped during the ceremony, so people could mingle outside during cocktails.

6. Having peach and pink as "my colors." I never had any specific ideas about what I wanted at my wedding, but soon after we picked the date I had a dream that peach and pink were my colors. So, hey, why not? However, the bridesmaids picked out lavender dresses, so everything shifted to include more lavender than the other colors. (And can I note here that I was a super nice bride since I let them pick out what they wanted to wear, instead of dictating it for them? I retained veto power, of course, since I'm not an idiot.)

7. Having a bagpiper play during the ceremony.

But y'know, this marriage thing seems to be working out okay anyway. And I can always put in my will that most of these things happen at my funeral instead. I'm sure the bagpiper will be able to do a bitchin' "Stairway to Heaven."

Tag!

You're it!

You're Not the Boss of Me!

THE VOICES IN MY HEAD WON'T SHUT UP!!!

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-GOD, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BAST—

What? Oh.

::takes headphones off::

Silly me. There. That's better.

Now you, Pink Elephant. Go fetch me a nonfat decaf latte.

A Happy Meal Indeed

This weekend, the husband and I take off for our first overnight together away from the kids in almost two years.

The night will involve eating in a restaurant that does not serve (a) French fries or (b) a toy with your meal. There will also be musical entertainment.

So here's my question to those of you who have more robust social lives than I: has anything changed with either of these social situations in the past couple of years? At "fancy" restaurants, do people still use forks? Is throwing food still frowned upon? Do real live people still play in bands, or have they all been replaced by robots?

Any help you could provide would be appreciated.

The Zen of Jak-El

Don't touch the sun. It's hot.

There are too many clowns.

Cats don't like *****.


(***** is the name of someone who reads this blog. Apparently, cats don't like you. Jak-El has decreed it so.)